Communicating Needs and the Art of Listening

What's wrong with this word? What's the problem with people? What's the root of all this conflict between each other? What causes us to get upset or angry with other people? Are there certain needs not being met? If so what are those needs? Do we even know what our own needs are?

These are the questions bunched together by @ecotrain in their question of the week, concerning the root of conflict between mankind and unfulfilled needs. This is quite a deep one, and as it tends to be case, the deeper you go, the further you branch out. So before I get lost in the depth and width of possible answers, let me nail down my first impulse as an answer:

Empathy, or rather Lack Thereof

Clearly, we are not alone in this world, and with most needs we rely on each other to meet them. Some cases are so simple that we may not even notice. We may call "Hold the elevator!" if we are just a few steps too far, and for those who stretch their arm out to keep the door from closing, it's really no big deal. "I'm heating water for a coffee, would you like some?" is another common example where someone's need (or want) is met by someone else.

Moving up to other needs, the entire market economy is structured to fulfill any necessity or desire we can possibly imagine. And that everything has its price tag doesn't change the fact that we are not forced to cobble our own boots, program our own software, or perform an appendicitis on ourselves. We do all these things, and many more, for each other, in exchange for something that we can have others do everything else for us. So if there is already so much reliance on each other in our world, where does empathy come it? And why did I say that there was not enough of it?

Recognizing Needs, or Inventing Them?

What's the real reason when somebody says "Let me help you" to someone? Sure, in some cases it may be genuine helpfulness, or willingness to offer assistance. But I'm sure just by reading the line in quotation you may have felt a red flag go up. That somebody probably wants something from you. Why are they so eager to help anyway? What's in it for them? Do they maybe think they know what it is I want? They might try to impose their way of thinking or acting on me. Or they want to maneuver me into a position of disadvantage, which I might not even fully comprehend yet. Gotta be careful...

Unfortunately this seemingly paranoid attitude is exactly what we feel we have to adopt, especially with strangers, if we don't want to be taken for a ride by abusive scammers, shrewd marketers, truth bending propagandist, or other types of con artists. Those people know exactly how to make up a need we never knew we had, in order to get us to spend our money on their service or product, which is most likely not going to work, as the need had never existed in the first place. However, by putting on this iron shirt and blinders of protection, we are also blocking out essential communication with others... and ultimately with ourselves.

Long Term Effects of Learned Numbness

Everything was so much simpler at first. You needed something, so you just asked for it. "Can you help me tie my shoes, please?" or "Can I have another chocolate cookie?" and even "Please buy me that toy truck, I REALLY need it!" was never a problem. Whether we got what our hearts happened to desire is another question, but communicating our needs was never an issue. It was as if we were born with the ability to do so.

Growing up into the "real" world, things started to look a bit different. We stopped expressing our needs, since we all knew what answer we would get. "I need more money to make ends meet" - "The bank has loans at excellent rates." Gee, thanks, but no thanks! It's quite similar with: "I need to find a better job." - "You should have a competitive edge when presenting yourself to a potential employer." Worst out of all may be: "I need a shoulder to cry on." - "You may need to see a professional. They have many good drugs that will help you feel better."

Effectively, we learn to keep our problems to ourselves, so we don't have to annoy others who probably couldn't help us, even if they wanted to. At the same time we're strengthening the economy by eliminating the care for each other, that has been a natural part of living together in a community since the dawn of time. This way we may feel safe from those who want to take advantage of us, but we also become immune to noticing other people's needs.

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In the end, it should not come as a surprise that we get angry, annoyed, and frustrated when we suspect that something is not right, some needs are not met, be it our our own or of those around us, but we are completely clueless as to what they are. It's kinda like walking blindfolded through an art gallery. You know there are things to be seen, it's just that you can't see any of them. But what can we do about this? How can we learn to be empathetic again?

Practice Makes Perfect, and Shared Practice Makes it Easy and Enjoyable

Just like any skill, we must exercise it to keep it active. And just like how we managed to unlearn empathy, we can strengthen it again, and even get to master it eventually. It all starts with being aware, paying attention to each other, and yes: communicating. This goes for finding out about other's needs as much as our own. It always helps to ask a sincere "What's wrong?", and there's nothing wrong with admitting "Something's wrong for sure, but I have no idea what it is. Can you help me find out?" Practicing this on our own already makes a world of a difference. But coming together with others to consciously practice empathy, in the way you would practice playing music, or doing kung-fu, might even have effects beyond of what we thought possible.