Who Do I Trust? And How? And Why? Ecotrain's Question of the Week

Once again, @ecotrain has prompted us with a super interesting question of the week: Who do you trust, and how do you trust? This topic includes everything from trusting a bus-driver to deliver us safely to our destination, to trusting our government to do the right thing. But I can see how the same pattern can be applied to trusting our partner, or trusting strangers not to take advantage of us. Do I trust people? If so, when? Or if not, how do I decide against it? At first this may seem like a simple enough question, but I actually had to think quite a bit about it...

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Don't Trust Anyone (Especially Not Me)!

Whenever I found myself in big, crazy cities, such as New York or Budapest, this is the advice I was given by some well-meaning stranger, who apparently had learned all the ropes, of course the hard way, as they never seized to overwhelm me with stories of being ripped off by someone smarter than them. They liked to relate the urban area to a jungle, where power and money rule, but shrewdness and a ruthless attitude could lead to money and power. And if someone happened to be too trusting, it was them who'd be first taken advantage of.

I always appreciated this advice, but immediately I noticed that since we barely knew each other for a couple of minutes, it could just as easily be applied to the one giving the advice. In other words, I should not trust them... and especially them! So I could not help but feel suspicious about this one person suggesting that I should not trust anyone. Even though I never had any real reason for distrust.

Starting Out With the Benefit of a Doubt

Normally my attitude is the complete opposite: I trust everyone, at least to a certain degree. Sure, I would not leave my phone, keys, and wallet on the table at a bar when I go to the bathroom, no matter how pleasant the company my be that I just met. This is something I've once heard about truckers in Australia: supposedly they become suspicious of you DON'T leave your valuables while you go to take a leek. It betrays their trust. Well, I don't know. I've never been to Australia, and the truckers that I shared drinks with just laughed, not believing a word of it.

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Normally I don't like to start a relationship, any relationship, with mistrust. So while being careful not to leave myself wide open for abuse, I generally approach new encounters with an open mind, and lots of curious questions about the personality of the other. The main objective here is not even testing them. It's sheer interest in who they are, what makes them tick, what drives them, and where they want to end up. To me, these things are complex matters, that can't be answered in a few simple questions. But while it satisfies my curiosity about the person, it neatly gets potential negative impressions out of the way.

Looking for the Signs

A friend of mine once said he liked to share a drink with someone new, and look them in the eyes as they were talking. This would get him an impression whether the other side was honest or not. True, alcohol is supposed to make you honest, and the eyes are often seen as the window to the soul, but I'm not sure if I can fully accept this method as mine.

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However, direct face-to-face contact is important. Having a conversation, where I offer up my own views, and then ask the other side about theirs, can usually reveal a bunch of impressions. Does the other side try to agree with me by all means? Usually a red flag. Are we completely of the opposite opinion? A much better situation, but usually an indicator for other challenges. Still, trust needs to grow, and that depends on time and actions much more than just words.

Seeing the Big Picture

Certain components of trust can be derived from the individual situation. Let's take couchsurfing and warmshowers as examples. While I have no problem opening up my home to host people, I draw a big fat line between the two platforms. Not because I don't consider potential new friends who I meet via hosting as less trustworthy, but simply being a touring cyclist already places you in a much more trustworthy category. I've been in that situation, and people have explained to me why my bike already creates a higher level of trust: anything a cyclist would steal they'd have to carry on their bike. And their means of transport doesn't get them very far very quickly anyway.

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While this is just one crude example, life experience can help you apply common sense to any situation. What are your impressions you get from someone visually? Does it go along with what they say? Do the various things they say add up to something, or is it full of contradictions? Most importantly, does all of this go along with your intuitive gut feeling? A combination of all this can make up a great basis to build more trust upon. At least in the cases where you can interact in person.

Trusting the Universe When You're Out of Control

Many things mentioned in the QOTW have to do with trusting something we can't really know. Trusting your doctor not to kill you with a misdiagnosis, or just trying to sell you drugs. Trusting your insurance company not to leave you hanging when you need them, after having paid them so much when you didn't. Trusting the people who prepare your food, who drive your vehicles, who keep you safe... just thinking about it can be overwhelming. Trusting the government may the most extreme example. How can you, in even the least corrupt places? So what option do you have?

While being careful, constantly making sure you lock your bike, you wear a helmet, you keep your funds secure, it's important to keep in mind that you can't be fully in control, no matter how much or how little you trust each aspect. This is when trust in the universe comes in. Call it God, the Wave (or the Way), Providence, or Serendipity, but keep your trust in it. That's what could make a difference in keeping you calm in key situations, which may actually be necessary to avoid a bad outcome.