I am so tired, lately but damned if the sleep will come to me. Well it does come to me. but only when it wants to and only for as long as it likes to.
I have found myself yet again awake in the middle of the night, waiting for sleep to come to me, and knowing full well that it probably won't. So I got sick of laying there and thought that I would make a post, maybe it might act in a cathartic kind of way and let me catch a few moments rest before I have to wake up and start my day. I'm hopeful but won't be surprised if it doesn't work out the way I planned.
This recovery from a heart attack has been a slow one, throughout the process I have encountered all kinds of new things and situations that I was previously not used to, things that I have to now accept. I have had to learn to accept that, maybe I just won't get a good nights sleep anymore or at least for a good while anyway.
I have also had to get used to not being able to connect with people as well as I once could. Don't get me wrong, I was a massive introvert before, but at least I could connect with people, but now I feel when it comes to face to face conversations sometimes my head treats it as a series of mini transactions, that are had, completed and then moved onto the next topic.
Another thing that I have had to get used to is depression, I was always an anxious person, the kind of person that would be sort of hyper vigilant in any surroundings. Which for the most part I could deal with quite well. Some people noting that I was practically a psychic, because I could guess the patterns in people's behaviours just by watching them interact for a few minutes. It is a hell of a trick, but it is kind of sad when you realise it is because your empathy is notched up a few levels because you mind is basically trying to judge whether a person is friend or foe constantly throughout the day.
So anyway I am getting a bit side tracked so early in the morning..... funny that. Bit hard to keep the mind focused when the sun is still an hour or so away from even thinking of coming other the hills of where I live.
Not sure what the day has planned for me yet. I didn't really plan much past my nieces baby shower. Which was a great day for all. Even if her partners friends and family are a little bit too bogan for my liking. But hey at least on only have to deal with them on special occasions.
It was kind of weird actually watching her partners mum take over the whole event, like she was the only one capable of doing anything, I reckon she has planned out the first 5 years of this poor kids life, not because anyone asked but because she is a control freak. I think it was highlighted more because he and my niece like a lot of kids these days, just don't want to have to deal with the grown up stuff that the rest of the world have to deal with.
I often her of them not planning out there budgets properly or not making appointments for themselves, not because they are too busy or something like that but because they don't want to talk to someone on the phone or because they don't feel like it. It does my head in to be honest. I think because I was pretty fiercely independent from the start, my mind just can not reconcile how this generation seems to be in a permanent state of trying to dodge their responsibilities.
I guess on that note I probably should try to get at least another hour of sleep, otherwise I'll be wrecked for the day that has to come.
I hope you are all having a great weekend so far.
