Do you still watch horror movies? Are you interested in haunted houses? Do you like that dark, sick stuff secretly (or non-secretly)? If so, you are totally at the right place. Or not?! - actually not. But if you travel to Saigon (Ho Chi Minh City), you will be.

Just a cover picture for the post. Just... scroll down.

So, you are probably not thinking like 'WTF, Katarina, why would anybody want to make a horror trip?!'. Good. Haha. However, if you are thinking that I am totally silly for encouraging a new trend of horror trips, but are ready to put some effort to understand it, I am also ready to give you at least a few reasons why somebody would do that:

#Halloween (boring reason, I know, but it's still a reason);
guilty past (such as terribly torturing your younger brother when you were a kid);
feeling guilty for living too comfortable life on your wealthy parents' back;
making a romantic horror trip for your emo girlfriend;
making a 'romantic' horror trip to get rid of a bad girlfriend.

Got it? Good. So, your destination is Ho Chi Minh City, District 1, so-called backpacker street (Pham Ngu Lao Street), any hostel, Vietnam.

Take 15 days break from your boring job and/or life, make sure you have your #bitcoin wallet accessible, pack your ripped bag with old clothes (and one piece of your elegant clothing for going out in Nguyen Hue Street), and let's go!

HCMC is a good place to finally transfer your real bitcoin into unreal cash

Please learn these traffic (non)rules before you arrive

First day you arrive, please be very aware of the different driving culture, and make sure you save your life for the rest of the trip.

Picture stolen from somewhere on the Internet. Do you really think I would risk dying and hence not writing this especially for you just to take a picture like this?!

So, here are the traffic (non)rules:

1. there is a tendency (70% drivers) to drive on the right side of the road; other options are:

- left side of the road

- sidewalk

- local market

2. most of the vehicles are scooters; here are the most popular combinations of a scooter's 'attendants':

- a Vietnamese guy and a girl in love

- an old western guy and a Vietnamese girl in love

- a man, a woman, and their 2-3 kids

- and old man with a TV

- an old man with a washing mashine

3. at least 50% scooters have no mirrors, which makes driving a much more exciting game

4. as a driver you never stop, since it is against the rules - or since your brakes are most probably not working (even an old lady on a scooter driving on the left side of the road didn't want to stop, so she made me having to step in some garbage)

5. as a pedestrian you never stop, since there is no place to stop, vehicles are moving around you even in the most unexpected places - so just make sure you are faster than them

6. when you realize your skills required for surviving the traffic labirint made of scooters and garbage are very poor, you are very welcome to order a Grab; when you order a Grab, make sure you find your driver in the area 200m left or right after he sends the message that he arrived

7. ALWAYS WEAR A HELMET. And if you want to be trendy, as my friend is, you should also wear a mask to protect your bronchus from the beautiful surrounding scents.

I'm not trendy. Sorry.

First things first when you arrive - cigarettes, SIM card, and the first meal

If you are a smoker, I have good news for you - you don't really need to buy cigarettes in Ho Chi Minh - there is already plenty of free smoke everywhere.

About SIM cards you can find around backpacker's street, they are very promising, and the positive outcome (that the promises are fulfilled) is just a matter of luck. As we are not looking for positive outcomes here, just take any card on the street.

About the first meal - be happy whatever you get in one of the plenty of local restaurants around. Because - this is what I got:

Don't worry, you'll be fine. Read the next paragraph.

Rats and dogs get along very well - in food. However, duck thongs are pure LUXURY

Recovery food

Have you ever seen anyone dying in a horror just after the first time facing weird scary feelings? Of course not. After your first meal, your stomach will most probably need some recovery before the next challenges. Fortunately, there are plenty of cheap fruit shakes literally EVERYWHERE. And they often cost around $1 or less. Also, if you survive all the odors, garbage, alive tied-up frogs and other animals on the tables around, as well as their blood all over the ground, you can be rewarded by very delicious, cheap, and healthy exotic fruits. For your own safety (you don't want to go back home too early!), buy the fruit that is not already peeled, and peel it in your hostel's kitchen (while dog meat is being cooked in the pan). Chances are you will get something like this:

Nice orange color. Soft. Healthy. Yummy. 50-cent papaya.

Luxury food

In Ho Chi Minh City you can eat (?!) two types of luxury food. One that makes you disgusted, and one that makes you really vomit. Pictures and videos say more than words.

Crocodile on the local food market. No less, no more, no taste.

Duckthongues. Never.the.less meat for $6-7

https://vimeo.com/250128065

Horror level 1

https://vimeo.com/250128077

Horror level 2

Horror level 3. $1-sushi from Family Mart: high and short-lived happiness + vomiting as a free happy ending

Food for keeping you alive till the end of the horror movie

My own experience is that around 40% food I bought I threw away. Here is what you can eat when you abandon on experimenting with the local food:

- fried sweet potatoes and sandwiches in the yellow 'shop' around the market (you'll see TripAdvisor sign, and it's open every day from 5 pm till 10 pm)

- some of the Indian restaurants

- McDonald's (food in Burger King in HCMC is not like food in usual Burger King)

- sandwiches in Highlands Cafe, small oasis in Pham Ngu Lao Street (also good for freelancers)

Other basic needs: sleeping, washing yourself

Hideout Hostels Asia is one of the best options for the unique experience of sleep, bathroom, and dating. Let's start with sleeping, 'toiletting', and hot showers.

In the town of Saigon, backpacker's street, your sleeping will be improved by four factors:

- traffic noise (worry is a waste of time, as you have nowhere to go)

- nausea

- drunk 'businessman' from the bed next to yours vomiting

- negative anticipations

You have some solutions to ease your symptoms, of course. The first one are Rotundin pills you can find in any pharmacy, with questionable expiry date. The second one is accepting any drug from a 'security' guy around. The third one is being taken by a massage girl in Bui Vien Street (2 min walk from your nice ho(s)tel).

Bui Vien Street - walking street with lots of bars and clubs to go out, get a massage, and eat high-hygiene street food

For 'toiletting' and taking a shower you need lots of luck to catch the moment when they are cleaned and with the least amount of various smells. As there will probably be no soaps available, you will need to buy one. The best one for your (inevitable) skin infection is this one:

Biore liquid soap to improve your skin infection

Dating

Dating is an important part of every trip if you are unlucky enough to be single. Here is how to date:

For guys

- walk around drunk

OR

- use Tinder

Find your love on Tinder exclusively in Ho Chi Minh City

For girls

- walk around

Make your trip educational: Immerse in the 'scooter culture'

After you realize that your basic needs will never be satisfied, you are ready to go against the Maslow's hierarchy of needs, and to start with the highest one - self-actualization. In order to self-actualize in Saigon, you have to get familiar with the 'scooter culture'. Basically, scooters are much more than transportation vehicles - they are mostly used as a place for chilling, smoking, drinking coffee, reading newspaper, practicing squatting, and dating. Again, pictures say for themselves.

Please upvote the post if you liked it, follow for more fun travel stories, as well as serious (?!) psychology articles, and leave a comment to let me know what you think ('cause pretending to care makes me happy).

If you liked this post, you might be interested in these two as well:

Phi Phi Island: Magic, parties, dating tips, and my own missed opportunities

Be the princess of Secret Buddha's Garden in the hills of Koh Samui