https://i.giphy.com/media/v1.Y2lkPTc5MGI3NjExZGFqODdpZjU1b3U3bmpxaWtldzNmcGJ6dXk1NWk5anl2d2k4aHpmMyZlcD12MV9pbnRlcm5hbF9naWZfYnlfaWQmY3Q9Zw/YuKPddTlZ0SE8/giphy.gif [source](https://giphy.com/gifs/stars-astronomy-super-nova-YuKPddTlZ0SE8)

# ![break.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/derangedvisions/vwHWzYfb-break.png) Over the course of the last year, I have been doing mushroom trips once a month. Those trips have ranged from all sorts of different doses. Over the last year or so, I have had so many different experiences during these trips. I can honestly say that mushrooms have pretty much changed the course of my entire life. They have helped me work through things in my life and given me the ability to have compassion for myself and what I have been through in my 42 years here on this planet. The last week or two leading up to this trip have been a little hard for me. I have been thinking a lot about my childhood and how growing up in a military family has made being an adult pretty challenging. Growing up, I didn't live anywhere for more than three years or so. So every two or three years, I had to say goodbye to everyone I had met, pack up all my stuff and move on to the next home where I would be forced to meet new friends, learn a new city and try to find myself in a brand new school. As a result, I have no life long friends. The internet didn't exist back then, and as a kid, I can't remember the names of all my childhood friends. Also, not living around where I grew up makes it to where I can't revisit old places from my childhood, so it is hard to remember a lot of my early years because I don't have landmarks to bring back any memories. One of my favorite parts about mushrooms is their ability to activate so many parts of the brain and as a result, I usually have a flood of memories come through after my trips. It is kind of like going down memory lane. https://i.giphy.com/media/v1.Y2lkPTc5MGI3NjExNzByNDB1aXY1MGd0MHlzYzgzdnJiOTQ4aXl4cW55N3NhMHU4cm83YSZlcD12MV9pbnRlcm5hbF9naWZfYnlfaWQmY3Q9Zw/5GWbZLvDR2kJHIj6gQ/giphy.gif [source](https://giphy.com/gifs/shrooms-mvdlx43-merge-visible-5GWbZLvDR2kJHIj6gQ) For this trip, I decided to do 3.5 grams of a strain called Smurph TAT. It is a cross between Albino Penis Envy and a variant of Golden Teachers called True Albino Teachers. I ate a gram of this mushroom last month and had a pretty cool time. One gram of it gave me some pretty cool visuals and an overall fun experience as I went about my day. 3.5 grams is a totally different experience and one that I knew I was going to need time laying down. Making my mushroom tea for my trips has become a ceremonial ritual. I measure out my dose and then chop it up as my water begins to boil. Then I mix it in and let it steep for about 20 minutes. As it is steeping, I take time to really think about what I want out of the upcoming trip. For this one, I was hoping to get some confirmation about the direction I am heading in life and to release any old emotions and stored energy that I have been holding onto. Once my tea is ready, I started sipping on it. I try and take 20-30 minutes to drink it so that the effects don't slap me in the face. It is better to ease into these experiences because things can get very overwhelming as the world begins to change. I say I try and take 20-30 minutes to drink it, but that is never really what happens. I usually end up finishing it in under 10 minutes, no matter how long I try to take. As I drink my tea, I make sure my space in my room is ready. I hang up my tapestries and get my black lights set up. It is super cool to have things to look at as the mushrooms begin to take effect. About 20 minutes after finishing my tea, I begin to get the nervous stomach. It is sort of like anxiety building in my stomach and my body begins to shake and shiver. This feeling used to be pretty overwhelming, but I have gotten used to it and it doesn't bother me as much. Then I begin to see movement in the walls and ceiling. As I stare at the ceiling, watching it breath, I know there is no turning back and that I am in for whatever the mushrooms have for me. I start to warm up some cannabis and get ready for my trip to really start. As I take deep breaths of my cannabis smoke, bright colors are dancing around me and I am starting to see geometric shapes and patterns begin to emerge around me. Then I turned on my music and laid down in the safety of my bed and wrap myself in soft blankets. The first song on my playlist is sort of a meditation. It's a song called "Listen" that talks about listening to the world around you and teaches you how to ignore everything around you as you get into the meditative state. As I was listening to this, the world began to fade away around me and I started going deep inside my mind. It is a strange feeling as you begin to fade away into nothing. I can't remember everything that I was thinking during this time. My mind was all over the place, but it was at peace at the same time. My body was beginning to shake and I could feel the waves of energy wanting to be released. Normally I spend the first hour or so shaking uncontrollably on my bed for a while, but this time I was able to ignore those feelings. I would feel the shakes beginning but I would not react to them or pay them any mind and they eventually subsided. https://i.giphy.com/media/v1.Y2lkPTc5MGI3NjExNGcwNGpwY3B3Zm43OXFhcGhkMnhxdjlxdXR1bnVpZHY1MXZnNHZwdCZlcD12MV9pbnRlcm5hbF9naWZfYnlfaWQmY3Q9Zw/3o6ZtnHFkDcbhHVWve/giphy.gif [source](https://giphy.com/gifs/art-loop-trippy-3o6ZtnHFkDcbhHVWve) My body began to feel like it was filled with helium and began to float outwards in all directions at once. Then I began to lose feeling around my entire body. Kind of like it was disappearing. My arms of legs would try and remind me they were still there by shaking a bit, but I ignored those sensations. As my body disappeared, I felt as if I was in the great expanse of space. It was so dark and massive. I focused on breathing and ignoring all sensations that my body was trying to feel. https://i.giphy.com/media/v1.Y2lkPTc5MGI3NjExa2luaTJjdml0aW92eHkzbG01MDc4YTZ1ZnZ2b3BnZWZkNnBhOXcwOSZlcD12MV9pbnRlcm5hbF9naWZfYnlfaWQmY3Q9Zw/PkiJUhePT88NTrAMIn/giphy.gif [source](https://giphy.com/gifs/europeanspaceagency-esagif-hubble-hst-PkiJUhePT88NTrAMIn) Then I saw a great white light in the distance and I began flying towards the light. As I got closer to it, it looked like a massive comet or sun that had a long tail flowing behind it as it flew through space. It was strange because it felt like my body and mind were aligning and then I merged with the light. I felt like I was a monk meditating in a temple somewhere and I knew I was connecting to existence, or God, itself. https://i.giphy.com/media/v1.Y2lkPTc5MGI3NjExZG45cmpnazJjcGd5ZWtkMnA1b3A4MGw0YTVtd3pxaDl1ampuYTh1aSZlcD12MV9pbnRlcm5hbF9naWZfYnlfaWQmY3Q9Zw/l0MYxObOQE9sXM640/giphy.gif [source](https://giphy.com/gifs/art-loop-trippy-l0MYxObOQE9sXM640) When I was connected I felt an immense love and bliss. I knew that I was the light. I knew I was everything that has ever existed and ever will exist. I remembered thinking about the human body that was laying in my room at the moment and wondering how I could ever go back into that body knowing what I know now. It was like all the answers to the universe were being revealed to me, but there were no words I could put them in to explain these secrets. Then I was overcome with compassion and love for the human that I am at this moment. I felt the love that I, as God, had for person I am. Then I had love and compassion for every human. I knew that everyone is a physical manifestation of my true self. https://i.giphy.com/media/v1.Y2lkPTc5MGI3NjExZGw2b2J3aTF0bnRxdGh5bGphaGM0MTJ0ZHd4a2txMTN5dTBxdTYxMSZlcD12MV9pbnRlcm5hbF9naWZfYnlfaWQmY3Q9Zw/3oz8xFRjbfNzmTOdXy/giphy.gif [source](https://giphy.com/gifs/art-loop-trippy-3oz8xFRjbfNzmTOdXy) I have a few songs in my playlist that I put in there to think about the love I have for my kids, but this trip, those songs took on an entirely different meaning. There is a song called Heartbeat by James Arthur where he is singing to his new baby. As this song started, there is a heartbeat that makes up the rhythm for the song and it felt like it was the heartbeat of the universe. The song felt as if it I were singing the song to myself. I felt as if I was cradled in loving arms as it was sung to me. The next song that came on is a Liquid Bloom song called "Ceremony of the Heart". This song was like I was telling myself how to live my life. It speaks about how life is an ancient gift passed down from ancestor to ancestor. It was such a cool experience to be connected to the Divine as it sung this to me. "You are the medicine" is one of the lines of the song that really sticks with me. It showed me that even though I am just one of 8 billion people here on this earth, I am still special and loved by my higher self. I am not a forgotten person existing here. I don't really know how else to explain the love I felt for myself knowing that my higher self has always been there along my journey and that my higher self will provide anything I could ever want. As the songs continued to play, my mind was filled with memories from my childhood in Illinois. I was there from like 5th to 7th grade. Illinois was one of my favorite places as a child. I had some really great friends and lived in a pretty cool neighborhood. I was reminded about all the times fishing with my friends at the neighborhood pond. Playing flashlight tag and other fun times with my friends. I had forgotten about so many of these memories, so it was really cool to experience them again. https://i.giphy.com/media/v1.Y2lkPTc5MGI3NjExdmZlNTcwYnV0YTE4bzNicjcwcDg3eTB5Mm9jaWdqeWl4anJ4bm84dCZlcD12MV9pbnRlcm5hbF9naWZfYnlfaWQmY3Q9Zw/pMlgjNQxnModHcv3GW/giphy-downsized-large.gif [source](https://giphy.com/gifs/trippy-education-learning-pMlgjNQxnModHcv3GW) As I was connected to my higher self, it was like time didn't move in a linear pattern, but instead, I could visit any moment of time. It was like seeing all of existence at once. I had a lot of compassion for my parents and their roles that they play in the eternal timeline. I felt a great love for babies and thought how they are how I am able to continue existing after the physical body I am in dies off. My kids and grandkids are the future versions of me. We are all on this journey together. I made a book of my grandson's birth with pictures that my wife and I had taken. As I was looking at the pictures, I thought how cool it was that I am able to document existence in such a beautiful way. Photography has become such a huge part of who I am and I am so grateful for that gift. I love that I can take pictures for people and give them such beautiful snapshots of their lives. After a few hours, my wife came in the room and brought me a bowl of fruit to eat. It was interesting because throughout the entire trip so far, I had not really cried, but once she came in the room, it was like the floodgates opened. I began to cry for what seemed like no reason. It was as if I was realizing how beautiful this experience had been up to this point and my wife was my safe space to really take it all in and process it. After eating my fruit, my wife and I went out on a walk. The visuals werent as intense as I was expecting them to be, but I think that is because I had spent the majority of the trip with my eyes closed. As we went on a walk, when I stopped, the trees and ground were moving and breathing. It really is such a cool thing to see the world come alive and breath with you. As the effects of the mushrooms began to fade, I spent the remainder of the day thinking about my experience. Growing up, I was part of a very strict religion that promised to many things, but never delivered any of it to me. I was told that if I prayed, God would listen to me and speak with me, but throughout my life, it was as if God had forgotten about me. Being able to connect with what some consider God was such an amazing experience. Psychedelic experiences are all in your head, and people that have never experienced them are quick to dismiss them. But these experiences are very real for those that go through them. They become memories that are as real as going to work. They become a part of your reality. One thing I had always wanted throughout my life was to feel connected to a higher power. Some of my previous trips, I saw that higher power, but I had never become one with it. This trip aligned me and showed me my true purpose here. Love is the key to everything. Go out and shine your light for others. We are all in this together. All anyone wants is to love and feel love.

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